“A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ‘Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop.'”
“Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”
“Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.”
“Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.”
“How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?” “You follow the fresh prints.”
“How does the moon cut his hair?” “Eclipse it.”
“I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.”
“I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.”
“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”
“I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.”
“I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.”
“If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?” “Pilgrims.”
“My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.”
“Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”
“What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?” “Where’s Pop Corn?”
“What did one wall say to the other?” “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
“What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?” “Supplies!”
“What did the ocean say to the beach?” “Nothing, it just waved.”
“What did the zero say to the eight?” “That belt looks good on you.”
“What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?” “They’re both Paris sites.”
“What do you call a factory that makes okay products?” “A satisfactory.”
“What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?” “Sofishticated.”
“What do you call a poor Santa Claus?” “St. Nickel-less.”
“What does a sprinter eat before a race?” “Nothing, they fast!”
“What has more letters than the alphabet?” “The post office!”
“What’s the best thing about Switzerland?” “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
“Where do fruits go on vacation?” “Pear-is!”
“Where do you learn to make a banana split?” “Sundae school.”
“Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?” “In case they get a hole in one!”
“Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?” “Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.”
“Any of you ladies wanna help make me a daddy by the end of the day?”
“Can i call you an orphan? Because you have yet to call me DADDY”
“Did your daddy write a dictionary because you put meaning in my life”
“Does your daddy work at the grocery store because you have nice melons!”
“Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!”
“I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.”
“If you got those eyes from your mother, I know exactly why your dad married her.”
“Is your dad a genie because you’re making my dreams come true.”
“Is your dad a pilot because my heart taking off?”
“Is your dad a sergeant cause your making my privates stand at attention!”
“Is your daddy a hunter? Because your such a fox!”
“Is your daddy a jalapeno because you sure are hot”
“Is your daddy a locksmith because you have the keys to my heart.”
“Is your daddy a traffic cop? Because you got fine written all over you.”
“Is your daddy an alien because you out of this world”
“Is your daddy named Oliver, because soon you’ll be Oliver this d*ck.”
“My dad’s here now, you can marry me.”
“Was your dad king? He must have been to make a princess like you.”
“Your daddy must be a high jumper because you make my bar raise!”
“Your daddy must be an archer because he sure shot a bullseye.”
“Your daddy must have been a baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I’ve ever saw.”
“Your daddy must have been a vegan baker because you’re a croissant.”
“Your daddy must play the trumpet because you’re making me h*rny!”
“Your father must be a thief because he stole the brightest star in the sky and put it in your eyes”
6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.
All I want in life is a man with clean underwear and a dirty mind.
Any of you ladies wanna help make me a daddy by the end of the day?
Are you a daddy? Nope. You wanna be?
Are your parents assholes? Because your the shit.
Because you have yet to call me DADDY
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can’t jump.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Can I call you an orphan? Because you have yet to call me DADDY
Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends.
Care for some afternoon delight?
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you I’m filthy rich and my mother’s dead?
Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought
Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident? Yeah, now he’s a rect-angle!
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
Did your daddy write a dictionary because you put meaning in my life
Do you know how many people are dead at a cemetery? All of them.
Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.
Do you still work or are you retired?
Do you wanna plant some Sugar Daddy?
Does your daddy work at the grocery store because you have nice melons!
Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!
Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.
Excuse me is your daddy a lumber jack? Girl: No. why? because every time i look at you i get wood in my pants
Happy Father’s Day from someone who wants to have your babies.
Happy Father’s Day to a genuine mother fucker.
Happy Father’s Day to a wonderful husband who no matter what having kids has done to my body still seems to nail me.
Happy Father’s Day. Can I call you “Daddy”?
Happy You-Knocked-Up-Mom Day
Hey baby, you better call life alert, because I’ve fallen for you and can’t get up.
Hey girl are you an orphan cuz I’ll be your daddy
Hi, do you want to have my children? [No] OK, can we just practice then?
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? From the bark.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
I have a small penis, but a big bank account.
I hope I haven’t given you the wrong impression. I’m actually taller and richer than I look.
I hope your Father’s Day is about you. I’ll keep the kids away to make sure that happens!
If you got those eyes from your mother, I know exactly why your daddy married her.
Is you daddy a lumberjack, because baby you giving me wood
Is you daddy named Oliver, because soon you’ll be Oliver this dick.
Is your dad a drug dealer? Cause you sure are dope!
Is your dad a genie because your making my dreams come true.
Is your dad a pilot because my heart taking off?
Is your dad a sergeant cause your making my privates stand at attention!
Is your dad an alien because your out of this world.
Is your daddy a boxer? “No Why?” Because your one hell of a knock out!!!
Is your daddy a butcher? Because I want to bone you.
Is your daddy a car salesman? [Why?] Because you have nice head lights.
Is your daddy a carnie (carnival worker) Because I want you sit to on my face while I try to guess your weight.
Is your daddy a dentist?(if yes) Then open wide
Is your daddy a doctor? Cause you just cured my erectile dysfunction.
Is your daddy a donkey? Because you have a great ass!
Is your daddy a drug dealer? because you sure are dope!
Is your daddy a farmer? Because you sure do know how to raise the cock.
Is your daddy a genie because your making my dreams come true
Is your daddy a grocery store attendant because you have nice melons!
Is your daddy a hunter? Because your such a fox!
Is your daddy a leprechaun, cause Irish you were naked.
Is your daddy a pilot because my heart taking off.
Is your daddy a pilot? Because you’re FLY!
Is your daddy a wielder, [wait for answer]? Because you know how to mend my broken heart”
My dad’s here now, you can marry me.
Was your dad king? He must have been to make a princess like you.
Your daddy must have been a baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I’ve ever saw.
Your daddy must have been a thief, because he stole your beauty and gave it to that girl over there.
Your daddy must have been a vegan baker, because you’re a croissant.